All That Remains
by LawliPop
Summary: Something terrible has happened. // AU: SuzakuxCrippled!Lelouch


_Lawli: LOL I actually had to google "do paralyzed men get erections" while writing this. XD Oh the things I do for fanfiction~. It was actually pretty interesting to read about, though. To be honest._

_Warning: AU-verse, Shounen-ai/BL, Crippled (and probably very OOC) Lelouch, non-crippled Nunnally._

* * *

All That Remains

_When the hour is upon us  
And our beauty surely gone  
No you will not be forgotten  
No you will not be alone_

_Something terrible has happened._

The letter was written unmistakably in the hand of Nunnally Lamperouge, the girl who had been one of his first ever friends, whom he remembered as little more than a bubbly preteen with short brown pigtails and a sunny smile. They met during the summer Suzaku turned ten. The Ashfords – the family which Nunnally and her older brother Lelouch lived under the care of – had a house on the beach near the Kururugi shrine, which they would visit annually. Thus, every summer the three saw each other, and spent every day together, laughing and playing and enjoying the simple pleasures in life that only children could truly appreciate.

If not for Nunnally, a friendship between them may not have even been possible. The first of the Lamperouge children Suzaku met had been Lelouch, who with his haughty attitude immediately left the Japanese boy with the wrong impression. A fistfight nearly ensued between the two boys within the first five minutes, spurred by racial slurs on both their parts; Nunnally had been the one to put an end to the fighting, and to this day remained the peacemaker, the glue that held their fragile relationship together. Lelouch was still as arrogant as he had been as a child, or at least he had been the last time they spoke.

But that could have changed by now. A lot of things could have changed – and from Nunnally's letter, he could tell a lot of things _did_. It had been almost two years, after all.

When Suzaku informed them he would be joining the army, the siblings each reacted in different ways. Nunnally, always a kind and understanding girl, expressed her concerns on the matter, though did nothing to dissuade Suzaku; if that was his dream, she said, she had no right to stop him from pursuing it. Lelouch, on the other hand, tried everything in his power to make Suzaku change his mind – going as far as to even threaten to join the army himself, something which they all knew he, with his weak physical build and practically nonexistent endurance, could never survive. In the end, when Suzaku remained firm in his decision, Lelouch pushed Suzaku away, locking him out of his life and refusing to let him back in despite all of Suzaku's best efforts.

_Something terrible has happened._

Nunnally hadn't gone into detail in the letter, only stated that there had been an accident involving Lelouch. That had been enough to send Suzaku's heart racing, for while Lelouch may have tried to push him away, Suzaku still cared about his childhood friend more than anything. Because even though Suzaku may have gotten along best with Nunnally, Lelouch always held a special place in his heart that no-one else could ever replace.

It had been nearly three weeks since he received the letter, and only now did he stand before the guest house of the Ashford estate, where Nunnally and Lelouch lived together. Being in the military didn't afford one much time off, and this was the soonest Suzaku could break from his duties, his first vacation in several months.

"Suzaku."

He didn't recognize her at first. The last time they'd seen each other in person, her hair had been cropped to her shoulders and her clothing consisting mainly of baby-doll style dresses; before him stood a teenaged girl with flowing chestnut hair that reached her lower back, wearing a school uniform with a skirt shorter than he deemed appropriate. But it was Nunnally, with the same bright smile and wide lavender eyes from his memories.

"You've grown up."

It had only been two years, but the statement held true for both of them. Suzaku knew he too probably looked a far cry frown the gangly seventeen-year-old he had been during their last meeting. He was nineteen – a man, the baby fat gone from his cheeks, and the once scrawny limbs of his body now built up from rigorous training.

After they embraced tightly, like long lost siblings – and they were, essentially; at least, they viewed themselves practically as such – Suzaku asked to see Lelouch.

Nunnally tensed for a brief moment, obviously unsure of whether or not it was a good idea. She found the bitter feelings her brother held for Suzaku childish, and wished more than anything for the two to make amends, but now more than ever she was hesitant to go against Lelouch's wishes. And Lelouch stressed, above all else, his desire to be left alone. For the past three weeks, he'd refused to see anyone except Nunnally, and even her presence he only barely tolerated.

"Please, Nunnally," Suzaku pleaded, and Nunnally couldn't say no to the genuine worry in his eyes.

She led him upstairs and down a long hallway, to the very last room on the right, the door of which was already open. Lelouch's room looked the same as it had the last time Suzaku had been in it, albeit messier than he remembered. In one corner of the room there was the bed Suzaku shared with his friend on several occasions, the sheets of which were rumpled, carelessly unmade in a way he thought Lelouch would never allow. Beside the bed stood a cherry wood desk with several books piled on top of it, and to the right of that a closet. On the opposite side of the room was a large window, and in front of the window...

"_Onii_-_sama_," Nunnally greeted quietly, taking two steps into the room.

In front of the window there was a wheelchair, and in the wheelchair the once proud and stubborn Lelouch Lamperouge.

_Something terrible has happened._

Indeed, something had.

Suzaku's eyes widened. Lelouch was...

"What is it, Nunnally?" Lelouch's voice sounded as it always did when he spoke to younger sister: tender, affectionate; however, there was a tired resignation to it Suzaku could never recall being there.

"You have a visitor."

At this, Lelouch visibly stiffened, his posture straightening and his hands firmly gripping the arms of the wheelchair. He turned his head a little to the side, and Suzaku could see something covering his eyes, something that looked very much like a scrap of fabric, tied around the back of his head so it stayed in place.

A_ blindfold._

"I don't want to see anyone," Lelouch replied quickly, turning back to the window.

Suzaku met Nunnally's gaze, at a loss – torn between feeling pity, because he knew Lelouch would hate that, but what else could he possibly feel at the sight of his once strong and pompous best friend blindfolded and confined to a wheelchair? He opened his mouth, not even sure of what he wanted to say, but Nunnally held a finger to his lips and Suzaku instantly realized it would be best if he said nothing at all.

Nunnally approached her brother slowly. "Don't be like this, _onii_-_sama_," she said, setting one hand on a handle of the wheelchair and bringing the other around to cup the side of his face.

Suzaku watched the interaction between the siblings, awed by Nunnally, who had indeed grown up far more than he imagined, standing before him now as a woman. Standing there like that, touching Lelouch so gently, she seemed so much older than her true age, as if she were the oldest in the room; Lelouch and Suzaku still merely pretentious children who refused to let go of grudges from the past. Maybe he hadn't changed so much, after all.

"Someone traveled a very long way just to see you."

Nunnally turned the wheelchair around so that they faced Suzaku, and Suzaku could see Lelouch's head bent downwards, his lips curved in a deeply disapproving frown. Even without the glare in his eyes to back the anger up, it was the same expression Suzaku remembered from their summers together – the same expression as that of the little boy who lost one race too many against his much fitter companion; he grinned.

"I don't care," Lelouch was saying, as Nunnally silently beckoned for Suzaku to join them. "I told you, Nunnally, I don't want anyone seeing me like this."

_Like this._

Lelouch was ashamed of himself. Of course he was. As children, and even when they were older, Lelouch adamantly refused any help offered to him – always rejecting a hand, whether with the chores or to pull him up the steep hills they used to play on that he so obviously had trouble climbing – too obstinate to ever depend on another person, thinking it weak should he give in and admit he couldn't do something on his own. And now here he was, completely helpless, reliant on others for everything – barely able to move without the assistance of another person. Of course he didn't want anyone to see him.

He held his breath, moving as silently as possible, hoping Lelouch wouldn't hear his footsteps. If the blindfold was really for what it alluded to, Lelouch's other senses might have grown strong enough so that he'd notice someone approaching without needing his eyes to see it.

Lelouch didn't say anything, making Suzaku assume that he either wasn't aware or had resigned himself to being in the presence of another person besides Nunnally.

Kneeling before the wheelchair, Suzaku reached out, intent on taking Lelouch's hand in his own but pausing just before doing so, suddenly afraid that Lelouch would push him away if he made contact without warning. Eyes flickering upwards, he locked gazes with Nunnally for a moment. She smiled and gave a slight nod of the head, wordless permission for him to do as he wished.

Suzaku swallowed the lump in his throat and gingerly settled his hand on top of Lelouch's. Lelouch tensed up, fingers flexing and extending several times, as though he was debating if he should pull away or not, before finally relaxing under the touch. He said nothing, and Suzaku heaved a silent breath of disappointment.

Really, though, what had he expected – that Lelouch would recognize him by the feel of his hand? Ridiculous; the last time he and Lelouch held hands was a few years ago. He would never remember...

Lelouch's hand slipped out from underneath his, and for a brief moment Suzaku feared he was withdrawing. Then, he felt the caress of fingertips against his wrist, Lelouch's hand blindly and curiously feeling its way up his arm. Suzaku watched, transfixed, as Lelouch's hand encircled his bicep and then continued upwards, feeling along his shoulder, sweeping across his collarbone where it was joined by his other hand. It was the oddest sensation, being touched like this – so innocently, so gently; Suzaku never thought he would ever again feel Lelouch's hands on him like this, what with the harsh way they parted terms... but then, Lelouch didn't know who he was.

With his left hand resting on Suzaku's shoulder, Lelouch leaned forward very slightly, continuing his exploration with the right hand only, bringing it around Suzaku's neck, fingers tangling in the dark curls of hair at his nape and then stopping. Standing so close to him, Suzaku could hear the light whistling sound as Lelouch sucked in a sharp breath of air.

"Is it..."

Suzaku never heard such anticipation in Lelouch's voice. He smiled, reaching back and taking Lelouch's smaller hand in his own. "Lelouch," he greeted softly, and if there had been any doubt lingering in the Britannian's mind, the subtle accent with which only Suzaku spoke his name had to be enough to make it dissipate immediately.

And now came the moment of truth. Now that he knew for sure who stood before him, how would Lelouch react?

Lelouch's fingers curled around Suzaku's palm tightly and, without a word, he yanked downwards, pulling him even closer and almost sending him sprawling across the other boy's lap.

What was he _doing_? Shoving him away was one of the options Suzaku considered, but Lelouch...

Emerald eyes widened as a pair of arms encircled his neck. His face – pressed against Lelouch's bony shoulder – heated up, Suzaku's mouth running dry as he struggled to find words. Did this mean... did this mean Lelouch forgave him?

When Lelouch spoke, it was with his lips close to Suzaku's ear. "You came back," he breathed, and Suzaku wondered just what kind of horrible person Lelouch viewed him as. "Why did you come back?"

Suzaku blinked at the question, finding it odd that Lelouch would ask about something so obvious. "Did you really think I wouldn't?" he replied, stung by how little Lelouch thought of him. "After I heard—"

"No!" Lelouch interrupted him, grasping the material of his shirt, and Suzaku imagined that if his eyes weren't concealed they would be wide, frantic. "Why did you have to come back... _now_?"

_And when the day has all but ended  
And our echo starts to fade  
_

Lelouch's hospitability ran out after several minutes, and as a result Nunnally and Suzaku relocated to the dining room, where Sayoko – the siblings' caretaker – prepared tea for them. They sat opposite of each other, drinking from expensive china cups in silence, though Suzaku figured both of their minds were wrapped around the same person.

Suzaku still couldn't believe it. The idea of never being able to run or even stand next to Lelouch again was just inconceivable. He couldn't – he didn't want to accept it.

"...How did it happen?"

Averting her gaze to the floor, Nunnally shook her head slowly. "I don't know all the details, really," she admitted. "There was an accident... Lelouch always rides in the passenger car of Rivalz's motorcycle, you know, and... and a car came at them, through an intersection..." She paused, closing her lavender eyes, which had just begun to shimmer with tears. "It's a miracle he's alive, Suzaku. He really... they didn't think he would survive."

There was no mistaking the happiness in her voice. Suzaku smiled; at least both of them realized how lucky Lelouch was, despite how dire his situation appeared.

He stared down at the drink in his hands, watching his own reflection in the clear green liquid become fuzzy as he swirled it aimlessly. "Nunnally," he started, unsure of how to phrase his next question. "That blindfold..?"

She laughed humorlessly. "It's not what you're thinking," she promised, and that alleviated one of Suzaku's fears. "He's not..." she couldn't say the word, probably didn't even want to think of yet another misfortune on top of her brother's many. "Not really."

Licking his lips, Suzaku set the cup of tea back down on the table. As much as it relieved him to hear Lelouch's blindness was not something permanent – or something that even existed in the first place – it worried him even more that Lelouch was doing this to himself. "Why would he..?"

He didn't get to finish the thought, for Nunnally interrupted him, her hands shaking as she struggled with the emotions, all of which were far too complicated and devastating for a girl so young to face alone. She must wish she could take all the pain away from her brother, or at least shoulder part of the burden; Suzaku wished it too. "Wouldn't you?!"

Ashamed, Suzaku lowered his gaze to the floor.

He probably would. But it just showed that he was weak.

And Lelouch wasn't weak like him. Suzaku wouldn't let him be.

_No you will not be alone then  
And you will not be afraid_

The rest of the afternoon passed lazily, Suzaku spending his time with Nunnally, reminiscing on their childhood days and pointedly avoiding any topics related to Lelouch and his new handicaps. It was pleasant, but Suzaku's thoughts always strayed to the boy upstairs, locked in the darkness he created for himself.

_Lelouch... _

He wanted to help him. More than anything, Suzaku wanted to be the light that chased away the darkness in Lelouch's mind. He felt he owed that to his friend, at the very least, after the way Lelouch thought he abandoned him.

Evening arrived. Suzaku dined with Nunnally in the same room they drank tea and discussed the accident for the first and only time several hours earlier. For the most part, the meal was silent, Nunnally excusing herself midway through in order to bring Lelouch a tray of food. She stayed up there, presumably feeding him.

Suzaku more than happily agreed to stay the night when Nunnally, after returning from upstairs, offered him the guest room.

"I'm sure _onii-sama_ will like it if you stay," she said, Suzaku responding with only a lopsided smile, clearly disbelieving her but appreciating her attempts to lift his spirits nonetheless. "I'll have Sayoko bring your bags upstairs."

Shaking his head, Suzaku placed an arm on her shoulder to stop her before she could leave. The only luggage he brought with him was a small green duffel bag, big enough to fit two day's worth of clothes and a toothbrush. "I can manage," he assured, glad when she put up no fight.

He ventured up the stairs, pausing as he reached the top to stare down the long hallway, particularly at the last door on the right. It was closed now, unlike earlier. Suzaku's heart sunk at the sight, the knowledge that Lelouch did not want to let anyone him – did not want to let _him_ in. Mildly disheartened, he entered the guest suite, setting his bag down by the door and flopping unceremoniously down on the bed.

_Lelouch..._

_When the fog has finally lifted  
From my cold and tired brow  
No I will not leave you crying  
And I will not let you down_

Suzaku did not fancy himself a terrific thinker. That role was much more fitting of Lelouch. Lelouch had a great mind, an excellent capacity for scheming. Suzaku was a man of action, and perhaps that was why he joined the army, where muscle mattered more than brainpower. Suzaku did not enjoy planning, nor was he very good at it – which led to his tendency of rushing into things unprepared.

Presently, he stood in the doorway of Lelouch's bedroom, watching as his friend tried futilely to button up his pajama shirt and finding himself speaking before the words even registered in his mind.

"That might be easier if you saw what you were doing."

Lelouch's hands froze. Suzaku could practically see the gears turning in his mind. "What? I—"

"Nunnally told me," Suzaku replied, stepping further into the room.

A deep frown appeared on Lelouch's face, and he defiantly continued to dress himself without the help of what they both knew were his perfectly functional eyes. Accidentally, he looped a button through the wrong hole, and Suzaku rolled his eyes.

"Stubborn as always," he sighed, exasperated, crouching down beside the wheelchair and correcting the few errors Lelouch made.

Lelouch turned his head to the side, incensed but doing nothing to stop Suzaku's actions. "I don't need your help."

"No," Suzaku agreed, "you don't need my help. Not for something like this. I shouldn't have to fix your shirt for you."

At this, Lelouch's face turned a humiliated shade of pink. "What do you want, Suzaku?" he asked.

"Nothing, I..." Hesitantly Suzaku reached down, laying his hand overtop of Lelouch's. Unlike when he first made such a move, Lelouch did not allow for the contact to last, instantly ripping his own hand out from underneath Suzaku's. Suzaku let it go, determined not to let Lelouch discourage him so easily. "I just want to talk."

When Lelouch said nothing, Suzaku allowed his eyes to fall shut, wishing he had the same way with words as his friend. Lelouch knew how to talk to people – how to soothe them, get them to open up. Suzaku found he had the opposite effect on others – Lelouch specifically; the more he said the more Lelouch locked himself away.

"We don't have to talk about this," he tried, holding on to the arm of the wheelchair, lowering himself the rest of the way to the ground so he knelt before his friend, a knight before his king, with Lelouch's useless legs on either side of him. "We can talk about anything. We should catch up; it's been a while, so –"

"And whose fault is that?" Lelouch hissed.

Suzaku attempted to ignore the sting of the accusation, but it was hard, especially because... because it wasn't _true_. "Lelouch, I... I tried to keep in touch with you. You kept pushing me away."

"So it's _my_ fault?"

This was going nowhere. Lelouch was a brick wall, impassible as ever, and Suzaku didn't know if he had the energy left to try knocking it aside one last time. But he couldn't give up. For Lelouch, more than the sake of his own pride, Suzaku refused to surrender.

"It's... it's both of our faults," he decided with a nod of the head that went unnoticed by Lelouch. "I could have tried harder. But I didn't." He just let Lelouch slip away. Not overnight, but gradually he allowed Lelouch to distance himself and now, as a result, a crater lay between them and Suzaku couldn't figure out how to get passed it. "Which is why..." he raised his head, and if not for the blindfold he would have met Lelouch's gaze.

Suzaku never realized how much he loved Lelouch's eyes, so unique in their color, and always so expressive despite the way Lelouch carefully hid his emotions from the world; perhaps Suzaku was just that good at reading him – perhaps he just knew him better than anyone else – but he had always been able to see through the feigned indifference.

He _missed_ Lelouch's eyes.

"Which is why..."

Suzaku lifted his other hand, cupping Lelouch's cheek and hoping silently for Lelouch not to resist. As if in answer to his prayer, Lelouch remained still, rigidly so, and Suzaku caressed the pale skin of his cheek lightly, keenly aware of the faint blush starting to blossom there. He spread his fingers out like a fan, passing his thumb over Lelouch's bottom lip and feeling them tremble ever-so-slightly in response.

_They stood on the balcony of Lelouch's room, closer than appropriate for two boys who claimed to be nothing more than friends. There were tears in Lelouch's eyes, and Suzaku couldn't stop the flow of them down his pallid cheeks, no matter how many times he apologized or promised that he wouldn't be gone forever._

_Suzaku set his hand against his cheek, feeling the wetness of tears, and Lelouch leaned into the touch, turning his head to the side, quivering lips skimming over the calloused palm. Suzaku's heart felt heavy in his chest as his hand moved to the back of Lelouch's neck, making his head arch upwards so their lips could meet in a kiss that started as timid but soon grew into something desperate._

_Lelouch struggled against him, refusing to let Suzaku dominate the kiss, plunging his tongue angrily into the brunette's mouth as tears fell from his eyes and saliva dribbled down his chin. And when Suzaku didn't relent, didn't give into him, Lelouch pushed with all his strength against his chest, severing the kiss and his attachment to such affection._

"_Just go," he said, breathing raggedly._

_Suzaku blinked, not understanding the cause of the outburst. "Lelouch..." _

"_GO!"_

_And Suzaku went, not once looking back._

"Which is why... I don't want to lose you again."

Suzaku leaned in, tilting his head to the side and brushing his lips over Lelouch's in a whisper of a kiss. Lelouch didn't react – not that Suzaku expected him to – but nonetheless Suzaku remained where he was, pressing their mouths together a little more insistently, trying to remind the other that this was something they both enjoyed. Trying to coax any sort of reaction from him, Suzaku traced his tongue along Lelouch's bottom lip, taking full advantage of the loud gasp to slide the muscle inside Lelouch's mouth.

This seemed to awaken something in Lelouch, feelings that had long ago been buried. He grasped a fistful of Suzaku's shirt, pressing into the kiss, battling him for dominance as he had the day Suzaku left for the army. Suzaku was smarter this time around, choosing not to fight him and instead allowing Lelouch to take control of the kiss, thinking all the while of how good, how right it felt and not knowing how he'd ever survived with the absence of this intimacy during the past two years.

While Lelouch was thoroughly distracted, Suzaku's hand crept along the back of his scalp, fingers threading through strands of glossy black hair and soon coming into contact with the knot holding the blindfold in place. With a gentle tug on the material he pulled the tie loose, and with another sent the blindfold fluttering to the ground.

Lelouch stilled.

Suzaku held his breath, waiting for him to say something. He'd taken a risk – a huge risk – and he was well aware that he may have destroyed any potential of resolving the conflict with Lelouch by removing the blindfold without permission. But he couldn't stand the sight of it; what's more, it wasn't healthy for Lelouch to be wearing it – for Lelouch to wish to be blind and completely helpless, just because he was handicapped in one way.

"Suzaku..." He spoke the name so quietly Suzaku almost didn't hear it. Nervously, the brunette raised his head. Lelouch's faced the floor, pointedly ignoring the way Suzaku tried to catch his eye. After what seemed like ages, he continued. "I'd like it if you left now."

Suzaku felt cold, trapped – as if he'd been thrown in a pool of ice water and couldn't get out. His fingers tightened around Lelouch's hair, and the grimace that appeared on the other's face in response didn't escape him. "Lelouch..."

"Please, Suzaku." He didn't sound forceful, or even the least bit angry. Rather, he sounded disappointed. And for Suzaku, that was even worse. He'd broken Lelouch's trust again. "Please leave."

What had he done? Why did he remove the blindfold? He should have known doing such a thing would only make the situation worse. But he hadn't been thinking – or at least, hadn't been thinking properly. He'd used his heart, not his head; Lelouch often scolded him for doing that in the past, but he obviously never learned.

It was difficult to speak with the way his throat constricted. Swallowing, he shook his head, trying not to give in to the defeat Lelouch handed him. "No."

Lelouch, not accustomed to having his orders disobeyed, looked up sharply. It was then that Suzaku got a glimpse of his eyes for the first time in two years. They were still the same beautiful amethyst color he remembered, though the light he always associated with them had dimmed significantly. After having been through such a painful ordeal, Suzaku supposed that was only natural; still, he longed to see the life shining in Lelouch's eyes once again, and longed even more to be the one who brought it back.

"No, Lelouch," he said again, leaning in once more, tilting Lelouch's chin upwards so he couldn't evade his gaze. "I'm not leaving you again. I won't."

"You did it so easily the first time," Lelouch pointed out, defiantly staring at the floor with his eyebrows knitted together, expression not so much irate as it was anxious. Lelouch was nervous.

A long sigh escaped the brunette. "Lelouch, I can't promise to always be by your side," he admitted, tracing the defining features of Lelouch's face – his sharp jaw, high cheekbones, constantly furrowed brow, and his soft lips – with the tips of his fingers. "But I want to be there as much as I can. I want to be a part of your life – any part of it, even if it's not... like it used to be."

After having had Lelouch in every way imaginable – a rival, a best friend, and eventually a lover – he wouldn't want to go back to being merely an acquaintance that only saw him on occasion; but if that was what Lelouch wished, he would agree to those terms. So long as Lelouch didn't block him out completely.

He sought out Lelouch's lips, kissing them earnestly. "Please, Lelouch."

A noise somewhere between a whine and a growl escaped Lelouch's throat as he tried to wrench his lips away, only to be stopped from doing so by the hand that slid around to the base of his neck and forced them together.

"Suzaku," Lelouch gasped, violet eyes falling shut, one of his hands reaching up and shakily grasping hold on the front of the other's shirt. "Stop it."

"Let me have this," Suzaku murmured, moving his lips down along Lelouch's jaw, leaving a trail behind him as he kissed his way to Lelouch's long neck. "Please, Lelouch... Even if you never want to see me again after tonight..."

"Suzaku—"

"... Let me have this."

A barely audible groan reached Suzaku's ears as he gently bit down on the point where Lelouch's neck and shoulder joined, Lelouch's grip on his shirt tightening, pulling him closer so that he practically fell in the other's lap. The barest of smiles touched Suzaku's lips as he met Lelouch's eyes to find them lined with tears. This time around, it was Lelouch who sealed the distance between them in a kiss much more heated than those prior.

"I missed you so much," Lelouch confessed, winding his arms around Suzaku's neck, burying his fingers in the coarse brown hair like he always used to. Suzaku sighed against the other's lips, sliding his tongue out and silently asking entrance, which Lelouch gave without hesitation.

From there, things progressed as they would have two years ago, before Suzaku ever mentioned wanting to join the army. Granted, he probably would have been shyer about it then, but military training didn't leave room for timidity, and Suzaku learned after the first week that modesty would get him nowhere. Lelouch on the other hand blushed darkly every time Suzaku's hands wandered lower than his shoulders, and when he began unclasping the buttons of his pajama shirt the Britannian fidgeted, averting his eyes in embarrassment.

"Suzaku," he spoke quietly, catching the brunette's attention nonetheless. Suzaku tilted his head to the side, silently prompting Lelouch to continue. Lelouch closed his eyes. "I'm not..." He paused, licked his lips, and tried again. "I _can't_..."

Suzaku frowned as Lelouch failed a second time to complete his sentence. He could see the irritation building in the other's expression and moved closer, cupping Lelouch's chin and placing a chaste kiss on the corner of his mouth. "If you're not ready, or if you don't want to, I understand," he replied, believing Lelouch was having second thoughts about becoming any more intimate with him.

Lelouch shook his head adamantly. "No! I... that's not it." Exhaling quietly, he placed his hands on Suzaku's shoulders and pushed him back slightly, violet eyes scanning his body and coming to rest on the growing bulge in Suzaku's trousers.

Noticing his stare, Suzaku grinned sheepishly. "What?" he asked, laughing softly.

The expression on Lelouch's face was one Suzaku couldn't read. Lelouch hung his head, eyes staring down at his own lap, almost as if ashamed. Suzaku opened his mouth to speak but stopped once he realized the cause for that look.

Lelouch was missing any sort of evidence that what he and Suzaku were doing excited him. Experimentally, Suzaku set his palm over Lelouch's crotch, feeling nothing beneath his fingertips, no response whatsoever from the flesh underneath the pajama pants. Lelouch didn't even flinch. It was as if... he hadn't felt anything.

"I can't..." Lelouch said again after facing Suzaku's questioning stare, his face a humiliated red. "The doctor said it… I might not..."

Without hesitation, Suzaku gathered Lelouch in his arms, cradling the other's head against his chest. "It's okay," he assured, nuzzling the smooth back hair.

Lelouch squirmed, pushing hard against Suzaku's chest, shaking his head rapidly. "No, it's not okay!" he cried, shutting his eyes tightly. "It's not ok. This is... I can't even..." He was having trouble piecing the words together, and Suzaku had difficulty figuring out what point he was trying to make so he just held on to him tighter, which only seemed to frustrate Lelouch even more. "One of the most basic things in human nature, and I...!"

The words were swallowed by Suzaku's mouth, the brunette covering Lelouch's lips with his own in what he figured would be the quickest and most effective means of quieting and calming him down. He kissed him deeply, exploring Lelouch's mouth with his tongue, not relenting until he heard a soft, acquiescent moan come from the other male.

"It's okay," he promised again, voice barely above a whisper, when he finally broke for air. Lelouch's forehead rested against his own, his hot breath ghosting across Suzaku's face and neck, and the tears that still clung to his face were quickly wiped away. "I love you, Lelouch."

The words came out easier than he expected them to.

Lelouch's voice quivered. "Suzaku..."

Suzaku smiled. "Let's go to bed."

He moved his arms so that one rested behind Lelouch's shoulders and the other curled under his knees and gently lifted his friend out of the wheelchair. Lelouch was lighter than he remembered, not that Suzaku ever really carried him around often even when they were close. That sort of thing had always been frowned upon by Lelouch, which made Suzaku only used to resort to picking him up bridal-style when he specifically wanted to get on the other's nerves. Now, Lelouch said nothing regarding his current position; merely rested his head against Suzaku's chest, as if content with the position, or at the very least indifferent.

The bed was already pulled down, unmade from the previous evening. Suzaku laid Lelouch down in the center of the mattress and pulled the covers up over his motionless legs.

Lelouch gazed up at the ceiling, violet eyes blank as ever, making Suzaku sigh heavily and turn away, retreating back to the door. The call of his name stopped him before he could leave. Cocking his head to the side, Suzaku waited expectantly.

"I'm sorry." From the look on his face, Suzaku knew it had taken a lot of willpower for Lelouch to actually get the words out.

With the light blush that dusted his cheeks, Suzaku couldn't decide what exactly he was apologizing for – the way he'd pushed Suzaku away up until that point, or fact that his paralysis made it impossible for him to get an erection. Whatever the reason, the brunette shook his head. It wasn't important. Lelouch accepted him now, Lelouch knew Suzaku loved him. That was all that mattered. "Don't be."

Lelouch spoke again as he stepped out of the room, his voice barely audible – but Suzaku heard him.

"I love you, too."

Suzaku closed the door with a smile on his face.

_Something terrible has happened._

Indeed, something had.

But Suzaku couldn't help thinking they would be okay now.

_Now comes the night  
Feel it fading away  
And the soul underneath  
Is it all that remains_

**The End.**

* * *

_Lawli: I'm proud at the length of this, but not so much with the way it all turned out. Oh well, it's done now. Please tell me what you think~! (Only, don't tell me how horribly cliche the ending is... because I already know. XD )_


End file.
